1.0−1.9: The "Wait, What's a Dink?" Division (aka Beginner)

• Signature Shot: The accidental lob that lands three feet out of bounds.

• Court Movement: You run towards the ball, then realize you've run past the kitchen and are now in the parking lot.

• Gear: You're playing in worn-out running shoes and a cotton t-shirt. Your paddle looks like it came free with a tank of gas.

• Motto: "At least I'm outside!"

You’ve learned the basics. Sometimes you hit the ball. Sometimes you hit your teammate. You know not to stand in the kitchen, but occasionally end up there anyway, usually while searching for snacks.

2.0−2.9: The "Paddle Swings, But the Ball Doesn't Care" Crew (aka Advanced beginner)

• Signature Shot: The "Shake-and-Bake" — where you shake your paddle at the ball and bake in the sun while waiting for it to (maybe) come back.

• Court Movement: You've grasped the concept of the non-volley zone (the kitchen), but you treat it like quicksand and approach it with extreme caution and high, jerky steps.

• Faults: You are an expert at hitting the net. Both the top tape and the bottom tape. Sometimes the posts.

• Motto: "I think that was almost a rally."

3.0−3.4: The "Almost Competent" Contingent (aka Intermediate)

• Signature Shot: The surprise-attack dink. It was supposed to be a deep drive, but it came off your paddle so softly it just flopped over the net. Your opponents are confused; you're just relieved.

• Serving: Your serve usually lands in the service box. About 60% of the time, tops. The other 40% are dedicated to buzzing planes overhead.

• Strategy: You've figured out that hitting the ball at the opposing player, instead of away from them, is sometimes a good idea. Sometimes.

• Motto: "I bought a real paddle! I'm practically a pro!"

3.5−3.9: The "I Watch YouTube Videos" Warriors (aka Advanced intermediate)

• Signature Shot: The occasional, perfectly executed third-shot drop. You then spend the next three points talking about it, which is why you immediately miss the next three easy shots.

• Kitchen: You are no longer afraid of the kitchen. You are now merely respectfully cautious.

• Complaints: You are now good enough to complain about your partner's unforced errors. And the sun. And the wind. And the ball manufacturer.

• Motto: "If only I could just eliminate those silly mistakes, I'd be a 5.0." (You won't.)

4.0−4.9: The "Seriously Good But Still Human" Hooligans (aka Advanced; Ready for serious tournaments)

• Signature Shot: The vicious, accurate, body-seeking speed-up. The dink game is now a beautiful, soul-crushing chess match.

• Gear: You have dedicated pickleball shoes. And a hat. And maybe three identical backup paddles. You analyze the grit on your paddle face.

• The Vibe: You are fiercely competitive but also incredibly nice. Until the tie-breaker. Then you will secretly judge your opponent's breakfast choices and life decisions.

• Motto: "My elbow hurts, but I can still play three more games."

5.0 and Above: The "Pickleball Is My Whole Personality" Peak (aka Champion)

• Signature Shot: You don't have a signature shot. You have a signature arsenal. Every shot is an arrow aimed at a flaw in your opponent's technique, psyche, or lineage.

• The Kitchen: This is your office. You own it. You live there. The only reason you leave is to retrieve the ball after you've aced the opposition.

• The Vibe: You are calm. Too calm. It's unsettling. You know the score, the wind speed, and the optimal trajectory for a reverse-slice drop in the third game on Court #4 at 4:15 PM on a Tuesday.

• Motto: (In a flat, calm voice) "Game. Match. Good point."